GROPING IN THE DARK.....one of my first works...

Darkness persistently surrounds me,
And I am groping around for light,
when will I comprehend
that for me, for now, it's all night?!

I know there might be a day,
when everything will shine and become bright,
Someone will come holding a beacon,
and bring some much needed light...

But I'm not craving for that day,
I'm not praying, waiting or hoping,
because I want to start seeing in the dark,
I've gotten used to groping........

Your misplaced sense of self righteousness!

**DISCLAIMER** I borrowed a line from my fav movie...so the pic is a tribute to whom I believe portrayed the character better than anyone else could, EVER!!


So all those memories we shared are just a lie?
I'm still in disbelief that i didn't see it,
So all that time I was myself with you,
You didn't like it one bit?

You found all my care a burden?
You found all my feelings a pain?
All those words i said to you when i did,
were all washed away in the with the quickest of rain??

It wasn't easy for me to open up,
I did because you me feel you wanted me to,
God damn it, you made feel you wanted to know,
And you found that suffocating too?!

I know I can care too much,
enough to smother you out of breath,
but weren't my confessions an explanation enough?
You knew i was literally living death.

People pretend to be what others want to love,
I'm sorry I ignored this long-standing dictum,
All those things you said you loved about me,
Deep within you hated every one of them?

Oh,you were protecting my feelings?!
You were just being nice and polite?
You really thought when the curtains come down
on your pretense, it's gonna be swell and alright?!

You should have told me what was going on,
Rude or painful as that might have been to me,
For, your misplaced sense of self righteousness,
Has made the words 'hope' and 'trust' meaningless to me.

No mask for me, thank you!!

Why is it so wrong to be just me?
Why should you look at me so differently?
Just because i disagree to agree
I am to be out-casted so openly?

Yes I don't conform to your standards,
for reasons that should be obvious,
those standards are YOURS,not mine,
Living by my own is so blasphemous?

I don't want to change myself,
just so that you are pleased by my transition,
I want to live my life the way i want to,
I loathe any form of pretension.

Yes, may be that's why i'm stuck in this rut,
May be that's why I lost love twice,
But I'd rather spend my life with my eyes wide open,
than sleep on a bed so full of lies.

I won't wear a mask to cover my face,
however difficult for you it may be
to see the face the way god gave it,
the mask may be soothing,but that's just not me!

I will stand by my principles,
how much ever it may hurt,whatever i lose,
that's the point of having them in the first place,
You can't let adversities change your every muse.

I don't know what else is in store for me,
If i continue to tread this path i chose,
At least when I'm done i'll be satisfied,
I walked MY OWN,be it of thorns,be it of rose.

BLOOD IN THE WATER.....

Time and again I've tried hard to restart,
I make a plan, but it never gets off the chart,
But now is the final cut,it's do or it's slaughter,
Can't afford to fail now, there is blood in the water.

Things are spiraling completely out of control,
Nothing is stable, 'certainty' itself is unsure,
The mind draws images that I never dreamed of visualising,
Well after days of hallucinations, nothing can be surprising!

I was going to take some time off, on a sabbatical,
No amount of time seems to be ample,
While I was here, in my cocoon, taking a long break,
Life didn't just moved on, it began to overtake.

Everything has been torn apart, all lies in disarray,
Shattered dreams, no more smiles, no more 'above the fray'
Every move, every motive will now be under scrutiny,
I didn't see this coming,every second now is mutiny.

But I guess I needed to see through this bullet hole,
Pressure alone can bring out diamond from coal,
Now i grow up, i face the music and fight harder,
VULNERABILITY at it's peak, because now there is blood in the water!

Time and again I've tried hard to restart,
I make a plan, but it never gets off the chart,
But now is the final cut,it's do or it's slaughter,
Can't afford to fail now, there is blood in the water.

Things are spiraling completely out of control,
Nothing is stable, 'certainty' itself is unsure,
The mind draws images that I never dreamed of visualising,
Well after days of hallucinations, nothing can be surprising!

I was going to take some time off, on a sabbatical,
No amount of time seems to be ample,
While I was here, in my cocoon, taking a long break,
Life didn't just moved on, it began to overtake.

Everything has been torn apart, all lies in disarray,
Shattered dreams, no more smiles, no more 'above the fray'
Every move, every motive will now be under scrutiny,
I didn't see this coming,every second now is mutiny.

But I guess I needed to see through this bullet hole,
Pressure alone can bring out diamond from coal,
Now i grow up, i face the music and fight harder,
VULNERABILITY at it's peak, because now there is blood in the water!

I know I'm in there......

It's been such a winding path for such a long time,
So much that has been said and sometimes all mime,
The words that should have been uttered, the meanings banned,
The hourglass so abruptly just ran out of sand...

So much for hoping for things to get better,
So the vocabulary and writing the letters,
So much for trying to pretend it's all part of a normal living ,
So much for yearning for the clouds and the rain they would bring.

All that was just a little game for you,
You were pulling the strings, watching me dance for you,
I may have seemed to you like a puppet made of plaster,
But you missed a point, You're not a puppet-MASTER!!

It feels good to break free of the chains and out of arrest,
Finally able to breathe air,without a stinging pain in the chest,
Finally I can see, smell,listen,taste and feel,
Life's suddenly a blossoming flower from a dried old peel!!

But I do have more pleasure, from a sadistic eye,
I know you say you are never reminded of me,i know you lie,
I know you snuggle up at night ,thinking all's dandy and fair,
But i know you have nightmares and I know I'm right in THERE!!

The sounds and scents of the ICU!

How different is the world inside this enclosure,
Subtle, but filled with moments of disclosure,
a dynamic setting with requirement of a good sense of anticipation,
To crusade any possible change in the existing equilibrium....

Every change, however subtle or minute,
can have a corpulent effect and always does in mind of the astute,
decimal changes in values fastidiously looked for,
because those can change the whole milieu, creating an uproar!

Every beep has a meaning,every blip has a warning,
every groan is a symptom, it's the body yearning,
every drop of every fluid has a justification for it's existence,
every chemical has an impact by abundance or subsistence....

Things are not as morbid as I may have made it sound,
It's always dynamic,exciting stuff to be found...
Eyes, ears and even the nose have importance in being open,
Because you don't want to check p/a while the patient has a bowel movement!!

This is a place where we strive to achieve stability,
to create a very fickle and a very elusive tranquility,
It is fun in here if one wants to learn and also serve,
For ,in this transition zone, life is preserved!

Past is also a dish best served COLD!!

I had a lot of trouble with the choices I was making,
I left lots of foundations broken and others left shaking,
I wanted to be there for her, didn’t matter how much the rain pelts,
But she’s not for me, she’s meant for someone else…..

With a broken smile I chose to make someone else smile,
But I keep going back, irrespective of how many forwardly driven miles,
I know this rain will not for ever mercifully precipitate,
It’s going to stop and reveal the tears on my face.

But my new found companion, I solemnly promise,
You were a personal choice, not a calculated risk,
I may rake up a lot of mud from past, but none in your direction shall be shoved,
You are blissful and understanding, you will be loved.

I love my space, I love solitude, I love unplugging the phone,
But I will not cocoon myself when I am needed, I will enslave myself towards, like a drone,
I will not let my rage scorch you, my fire will not seethe,
Doesn’t matter how cold it may get, it will not get any harder for you to breathe….

But that smile she had will always haunt,
I’ll never write to her again, because there’s never a right font,
I will live on despite the existence of what can never be more true…
Whether I change my mind or you change yours; I will never be with you!!

Rage vented,venom sprayed!!

I react rabidly for what people call trivial,
I try to push away those I care for, when their presence is vital,
I tell myself I don’t need attention but my actions beg to differ,
I want to be irresolvable, yet being isolated makes me suffer.

God, I loved him, he was my idol, my go-between,
He turned out to be iniquitous, and I shoved him off, never to be seen,
I miss him every moment, every day, I mask that with ignominy,
With loathe of proportions equiponderating infinity

I loved her,not as a rebound, not to compensate my perdition,
Her timing seemed god-sent, I wanted to suffocate her with undiluted attention,
I did, I guess to the point of hindering her goal of sovereignty,
I admit I felt down-trodden, but I admired her pragmatic tenacity.

My response to the above two incidents have been ominous,
I aggravated anger towards the former,from the latter I sought clarifications fortuitous,
I abused him on his face, I abused her integrity in verbalization which was malicious,
I chose the wrong ways to cope,for which I’ll always be licentious.

For she had her reasons for all her deeds,
I shouldn’t have persisted to grab what I need,
But I kept losing a pillar after another, I stand here questioning
What is right, what is wrong, what is any deed’s meaning?

I proclaim I don’t care how others perceive me and my persona,
And yet I publish this chronicle without a shred of honour,
I’m doing this because I need to rhyme and therefore uncage
all the suppressed, concealed, monolithic rage!!